Random realization #Part5

A few days back somebody told me “that I am not satisfied with my life, while some people dream of living mine.” Today when I think about it, I’ll accept that there are stages in my life when I am confused with majority of the decisions I take, but I am sure I can never go wrong or lose track when I have people who love me in one or the other way.

Just when I was sure that “love” will never hold any such relevance in my life, I met him.

This isn’t one such romantic imagination of my friends, nor does it bear resemblance to any movie because it’s true, I happened to witness one such event last night.

The names have been changed to maintain certain levels of privacy and to make sure that I am not making any person uncomfortable. It might not make sense to you or to your level of living, it’s not here to do justice to my style of writing, it is extremely special to my heart entirely & completely because of the people involved in this.

So,

I was under the influence of dark chocolates (#nameshavebeenchanged) and there was this rush in me to do something crazy, I was then talking to one of my closest friends, Armaan, he is one of those people whom I respect the most, not only he is much more intelligent than I am also his maturity and his personality speaks volumes about him. He is one person who is famous for being extremely subtle, spontaneous & the most simplest in terms of living, he has no high demands for anything.

I had fallen for him, not today but long back, I have no idea and I don’t know how, when or what. I have met him exactly thrice and the distance between us never became a barrier to communication. So when the high-ness was seeping in my soul, I couldn’t control but express what I feel for him, not that this was the first attempt to tell him how much I love him but the first direct conversation which both of us tried to ignore for a long time now, I told him about my feelings, I told him all about those teeny-tiny aspirations and dreams, he knew it all and I am sure I sounded funny. He on the other hand, expressionless, quiet and motionless was reading all my texts messages, maybe laughing at them, maybe thinking what a fool I am, I have no clue, but when he said something which touched my heart I couldn’t help but respect him more, he said Vash(he calls me that),” I am still confused and amused that how can a fool like me mean so much to you, you overwhelm me with such expressions but I suck at expressing” and I replied “sometimes it’s not about expressions but about feelings” I took a deep breath, held my feelings back, told myself that it isn’t practical, he lives thousands of Kms away and that there is no way things will work out, but my heart was on some different cloud, I knew that its impractical, I knew it won’t work out but I can’t help it.

So, trying to act a bit mature, I messaged him again, with full passion “listen Armaan, when I started loving you I never put up any such compulsion that you have to love me back, or you have to emote the way I do, its humane, I understand that the intensity varies from person to person, I know it all but today I don’t want us to work, today I just wanted to vent out these feelings not to anybody else but you, for you are the sole reason behind this smile that I wear on my face today, I remember how you stood by and supported me, I remember how you helped me sort myself out when I had my heart broken, I completely understand and trust me this won’t affect the friendship we have, please let’s not ruin the only bond which ties us” and he slowly said “it won’t and thank you enough for understanding everything and maybe you don’t know this,  I love you too but..” and for me it was enough to know that he cares, he wished me goodnight and left me alone with my thoughts and un-deciphered feelings.

Just when I was trying to help myself, I served another dark chocolate, I sat besides the window, looking at the stars, wishing how I’ll see one shooting star and I’ll wish for him to be here, my wishful thinking, my phone vibrated and this time it was Abhishek, a dear friend of mine, he could make out from my voice that I wasn’t in the best of my mental states and he asked me the reason for the same, lost in thoughts, I told him every bit of it and just then what he said made me go numb, he confessed that he had fallen for me 3 months back but he never showed because of the complications we both had, the common circle of friends and that he thought I wasn’t in the best of my positions.

 Some people did noticed the way he’d look at me and the way he’ll take care but I was stupid enough not to take cognizance. He helped me when I was down, he made me feel alright, he was one person who made me believe that yes, there are some good people left on this planet.

He narrated instances when he tried to show his care & affection and I sat dumbstruck listening to his feelings, how ignorant I was not to notice any of it, I felt sad & apologized, and I felt embarrassed for my behaviour. It was 4 am when I messaged him that he is one of those friends whom I don’t want to lose and his reply made me smile, he calls me pure, for he thinks I am crystal clear from my heart. I thanked him for everything, for every little thing he did for me, he thought I’ll forget everything when I wake up the next morning but sometimes few gestures touch your heart.

Yes, I cry about being confused and the fact that nobody loves me and about not having things I want or that I am broke almost half of the times or even the fact that world is full of hypocrites and all sort of non-sense I make my friends go through but I love my life and I would never let go of any part whatsoever. 

Some random messages or even hoardings can make me think and relate them to my life.