Abstract, a disarray and delusion

Sitting alone,
Outside in open, 
Watching the colors of the sky change, 
From blue to orange and then red, 
The openness, 
This feeling, a sense of freedom
The stillness of the air, 
The calm surroundings, 
These drizzles, 
The way they touch your body and arouse those emotions, 
The subtlety of this atmosphere, 
Yet the power it holds, 
A stage in your life, 
Where you want to stay alone, 
A stage where the hypocrisy bothers you no more, 
peace, calm, these thoughts revolt no more, 
The way its touching my soul,
The dream, the vision, the preservance.
The sky speaks to you in a language unknown, 
The connect different yet so meaningful, 
The existence of purity, 
These subtle emotions.    
Abstract, a disarray and delusion :) 

Barish

Behti hawaye, 

Yeh gadgadati bijliya, 

Yeh aahetein,

Yeh sannata, 

Yeh tip tip barasta pani, 

Yeh pattiyo ki kadkadahat, 

Yeh  aasman la laal gehra rang, yeh pani ki bundo ka sann se chu jana, 

Inn jazbaton ko shabdo mein pirona, 

Koshishay, naqamyab, 

Sansanahat, yeh dil ki awaz, 

Inn ankhon mein chupa woh dard, 

Yeh mitti ki sondhi khusbhoo, 

Yeh zindagi ka naya ek roop, 

Mitti ke khiloney, hum aur tum, 

Samay ka paigam, thehrav, 

Yeh kashmakash, yeh arzoo, 

Yeh dillagi, yeh justajoo, 

Inn jugnooyo ka roshni se chipak jana, 

Inn barish ki bundo ka mujhe yu chu jana, 

Yeh aahatein.

Yeh bhawnao ka bhavar, 

Iss dil aur dimag ki kashmakash, 

Yeh aasman ke badlte rang, 

Yeh rangishe, yeh khwaheshey.. 

Mein tujhe bhul jana chahte hu.

I was just browsing through my diary & saw this, I wrote this when I was in 11th standard, the second Hindi poem I had ever written, it still holds a special place in my heart. 

Mein tujhe bhul jana chati hu 

tere diye har gum ke saaath tere yaadon ko dafnana chati hu 

tere saath bitaye hue har uss pal mein

mein fir dubara dub jana chati hu 

iss tute hue dil ke armano ko ek baar fir pirona chatihu 

ha mein tujhe bhul jana chahte hu 

tere yaadon ke uss bhavr ki gehraye se mein aaj nikal jana chahte hu 

tere diye hue sapno ko bhul kar mein aagey bad jana chahti hu 

ha mein iss sabh se dur jana chati hu 

ha mein tujhe bhul jana chate hu 

tere saath bitaye hue har uss pal us lamhe uss yaad ko mein apne se dur kar dena chate hu 

ha mein tujhe bhul jana chate hu. 

Random realization #Part5

A few days back somebody told me “that I am not satisfied with my life, while some people dream of living mine.” Today when I think about it, I’ll accept that there are stages in my life when I am confused with majority of the decisions I take, but I am sure I can never go wrong or lose track when I have people who love me in one or the other way.

Just when I was sure that “love” will never hold any such relevance in my life, I met him.

This isn’t one such romantic imagination of my friends, nor does it bear resemblance to any movie because it’s true, I happened to witness one such event last night.

The names have been changed to maintain certain levels of privacy and to make sure that I am not making any person uncomfortable. It might not make sense to you or to your level of living, it’s not here to do justice to my style of writing, it is extremely special to my heart entirely & completely because of the people involved in this.

So,

I was under the influence of dark chocolates (#nameshavebeenchanged) and there was this rush in me to do something crazy, I was then talking to one of my closest friends, Armaan, he is one of those people whom I respect the most, not only he is much more intelligent than I am also his maturity and his personality speaks volumes about him. He is one person who is famous for being extremely subtle, spontaneous & the most simplest in terms of living, he has no high demands for anything.

I had fallen for him, not today but long back, I have no idea and I don’t know how, when or what. I have met him exactly thrice and the distance between us never became a barrier to communication. So when the high-ness was seeping in my soul, I couldn’t control but express what I feel for him, not that this was the first attempt to tell him how much I love him but the first direct conversation which both of us tried to ignore for a long time now, I told him about my feelings, I told him all about those teeny-tiny aspirations and dreams, he knew it all and I am sure I sounded funny. He on the other hand, expressionless, quiet and motionless was reading all my texts messages, maybe laughing at them, maybe thinking what a fool I am, I have no clue, but when he said something which touched my heart I couldn’t help but respect him more, he said Vash(he calls me that),” I am still confused and amused that how can a fool like me mean so much to you, you overwhelm me with such expressions but I suck at expressing” and I replied “sometimes it’s not about expressions but about feelings” I took a deep breath, held my feelings back, told myself that it isn’t practical, he lives thousands of Kms away and that there is no way things will work out, but my heart was on some different cloud, I knew that its impractical, I knew it won’t work out but I can’t help it.

So, trying to act a bit mature, I messaged him again, with full passion “listen Armaan, when I started loving you I never put up any such compulsion that you have to love me back, or you have to emote the way I do, its humane, I understand that the intensity varies from person to person, I know it all but today I don’t want us to work, today I just wanted to vent out these feelings not to anybody else but you, for you are the sole reason behind this smile that I wear on my face today, I remember how you stood by and supported me, I remember how you helped me sort myself out when I had my heart broken, I completely understand and trust me this won’t affect the friendship we have, please let’s not ruin the only bond which ties us” and he slowly said “it won’t and thank you enough for understanding everything and maybe you don’t know this,  I love you too but..” and for me it was enough to know that he cares, he wished me goodnight and left me alone with my thoughts and un-deciphered feelings.

Just when I was trying to help myself, I served another dark chocolate, I sat besides the window, looking at the stars, wishing how I’ll see one shooting star and I’ll wish for him to be here, my wishful thinking, my phone vibrated and this time it was Abhishek, a dear friend of mine, he could make out from my voice that I wasn’t in the best of my mental states and he asked me the reason for the same, lost in thoughts, I told him every bit of it and just then what he said made me go numb, he confessed that he had fallen for me 3 months back but he never showed because of the complications we both had, the common circle of friends and that he thought I wasn’t in the best of my positions.

 Some people did noticed the way he’d look at me and the way he’ll take care but I was stupid enough not to take cognizance. He helped me when I was down, he made me feel alright, he was one person who made me believe that yes, there are some good people left on this planet.

He narrated instances when he tried to show his care & affection and I sat dumbstruck listening to his feelings, how ignorant I was not to notice any of it, I felt sad & apologized, and I felt embarrassed for my behaviour. It was 4 am when I messaged him that he is one of those friends whom I don’t want to lose and his reply made me smile, he calls me pure, for he thinks I am crystal clear from my heart. I thanked him for everything, for every little thing he did for me, he thought I’ll forget everything when I wake up the next morning but sometimes few gestures touch your heart.

Yes, I cry about being confused and the fact that nobody loves me and about not having things I want or that I am broke almost half of the times or even the fact that world is full of hypocrites and all sort of non-sense I make my friends go through but I love my life and I would never let go of any part whatsoever. 

Some random messages or even hoardings can make me think and relate them to my life.  

The only two :)

This one is for the only two who were thoughtful enough to write me poems:

These two people have been a part of my life, here and there and in bits and pieces. They know all about me, the miseries I have seen, my deepest darkest secrets, and all most all my poems, chapters, unedited verses go to them first and then they see the light.

Without these two people and the confidence they have had in me I don’t think I would have continued writing, these people have made me happy when I was sad, they made me laugh when I was acting mad, they gave me a shoulder to cry on, they have made me a better person.

And trust me when I say this, these two have made a lot of difference. You two, I love & respect, though you two take my case and make me crazy by doing things which I hate but remember I am always here, whenever you want, whenever you say.

Shrisha Kumar 

Na jaane kyun,

Dil aaj hai keh raha yu,

Aajao paas,

Na raho tum kahi, kahi door.

Tum ho kahi, kahi door,

Phir be lage muje yu,

Tum ho yaha,

Mere paas yu,

Jaise har aahat thumari,

Khano mein ghoonje meri,

Phirbe na jaane kyun,

Tum ho kahi, kahi door.
Jab tha mein chida,

Gham se ghira,

Tum thi paas
  Tum thi sukoon,
Phirbe na jaane kyun,
 Tum ho kahi, kahi door..

Chaitanya 

Purvasha, oh my dearest friend,

Your name spells Mansharamani in the end,

This is going to be bad coz I am no writer,

My complexion's dark, you are much whiter

Your writing's soo good it makes smile,

The longest fucking river in this world is Nile

You are as beautiful is this angel from heaven,

One, two, three, four, five, six and seven.

All I can say is that you are the best,

You have externals soon, aren't you stressed?

I love you, yes I really do,

Wait, I suck at this, so I bid thee adieu!

Random realizations #Part4

I know this girl from 4^th standard, she has been one of those people in my life who have been standing by in some phases where everybody decided  to leave me, but this blog isn’t about the relationship I share with her instead it’s about a relationship which has never spoken in words.

Snowy has been her life,  he has been her partner in all sorts of crimes, they have cried together, they have slept together, they have laughed together, they have fought, they have agreed, they are together, they drink together.

She has never found the happiness she finds when he is around, his presence is what makes her happy. She talks to him, she shares her life with him as if he was not a dog but her best friend who’d hug her and advice her, who’d speak to her, who’d change the most gloomy days of her life to the ones where she-cannot-stop-flying-all-high-in-the-sky.

People die to share such relationships, which are unconditional, which are forgiving, which talk about nothing but yet know of everything, this relationship is not governed by words but by the language of heart. 

Such relationships are not just rare but nonexistent for me, because so much love yet no conditions, so much care yet no bondages, no words just expressions.

Pets truly can fill in all the spaces, pets can teach lessons to this human race which has been dying without feelings.

Manvi, she is one such person who has always made me believe that dogs can be your best friends when you fall short of such human beings.

This one is for you Manvi & Snowy, also because I am jealous, I got  no snowy :’(

Random realizations #Part3

I was sitting online; there came a name familiar on my newsfeed. 

This name was a part of my daily routine, my happiness, my sadness, every part of me but a few months back due to certain misunderstandings both of us stopped talking.

I used to meet him daily and we used to talk for hours and hours at a stretch, we had this amazing bond, we were more than just normal friends and somehow it used to amuse me that how I met him at a random party and how his bad impression changed this much that he was a part of me.

His words, his poems, his sketches had taken my heart away, he filled all those gaps and spaces in me, he used to help me figure out all what I wanted, he was standing like a mirror, true and indifferent in every way, our friendship was one of those prized possessions I had, it was like a miracle, it was like a genuine pure bond which had tied us together.

But, as they say, all good things come to an end, what I thought came to an end. The brilliant bond, the friendship, the love, the care & affection we had for each other ended from his side, he broke my heart & left, he flew apart. Though we shared a common set of friends, we tried to ignore each other’s presence, we left meeting in public,  we never talked again.

It was mere coincidence due to which we would see each other and he’d fake a smile, my straight face conveyed my feelings, he had new friends now while I enjoyed the company of my old friends, the common friends took his side,

He had an authority to survive, he won the battle, he left me for some of those who don’t even know his first love.

His loss, my glory, his battle, my story.

He lost me, I lost a friend,

He won many, but none that would say “I’ve got your back”

His words, his memories.

Facebook does serve as a reminder of how things change, from featuring in his display & bbm pictures to being nowhere close to him now.

I surely have moved on, but memories remain wherever they are. 

Random Realizations #Part2

So, I was just walking down this narrow lane while I was coming back from a friend’s house, this lane has always amused me.

There was something about this lane which used to give me odd vibes, it was a busy lane. Nobody cared to wait, they all wanted to cross it first, and they wanted to beat everyone as if it was a race.

I could never figure out why were all of them in such a hurry?

So, there I was, wondering, music in my ears had took me to a different world, I stopped and stared, it was like I was watching a movie and they were on the fast forward mode, nobody cared, they walked the walk, they topped and stepped on everything which came in their way, they didn’t bother when the lady fell on the steps, nobody cared to help her stand straight, as I ran towards her, she blessed me and uttered “shukriya beta, aaj kal ke zamane mein time kis ke pass hai ki koi kisi ki madad kare, bhagwan bhala kare tumhara”.

I was astounded, as if I wasn’t aware of the mean world but she was in tears which came running down her eyes, I asked if I could help her any further, she said “tumne itna he kar diya, mere liye kafi hai beta, andhera ho raha hai jao ghar tum” but she didn’t seem alright, I hired a rickshaw and paid him to drop her wherever she wanted.

In the midst of this emotional disarray, I kept walking and thought to myself, are all of them mean, are they that into themselves that they can’t look beyond their own needs?

What a shame,

This game,

I don’t want to win;

 I don’t want to lose,

 I don’t want to bleed,

I don’t want to forget what my grandma once told me,

 She said “there would be a thousand people who’d walk past you, they’d shout and scream, they’ll abuse you for the things you haven’t done, but never lose your calm, there’d be one whom you’ll help and his blessings will make you work”.   

Random realizations #Part1

When they decided to paint my house. 

That awkward moment when smell of paint reminds you of the time when you used to have paint all over your clothes & hands, the palette and those brushes, when you used to deepen the shades by mixing them with your fingers and feeling the soft colour getting into you, when they paint your walls you remember your drawing board and that feeling of bringing to life one of your wildest dreams. 

When they ask you if the colour suits your taste, you remember asking yourself how he would look in this colour. 

I remember how I used to paint and hide my sketches, I remember that palette & that apron, I remember how unsatisfied I was when it didn't come out the way it was in my head, I remember the sigh of relief that i used to feel after completing that little piece of art, it was a feeling like a part of my soul was moulded into the sculptures which I have built with my own hands, like a child that I have given birth to, I remember so many things, those good old days. 

 

That happiness has now gone, I haven’t felt it lately, the colours are stolen, the brushes lay broken, the palette demands some hope.

A new chapter?

Him & me,

Rain& wind,

A day, us,

Un-interrupted conversations,

Smokes passed & shared,

The long drive, a new venture,

Randomness, a new bond,

New feelings past us.

Food, jokes,

Laughter & care,

The stare game,

His acting, my admiration,

His eyes, the spotlight,

His mood swings, a change in temperature,

Those innuendos, the ice cream,

Songs & those smiles,

The way he looked me right in my eyes,

A new start, an incomplete verse.

Emotions, feelings, a lot yet to spark up,

The smokes here might catch up fire. 

A little birdie forced me to think..

Yesterday I was sitting in my balcony where I saw this very unusual sight & I couldn’t help but connect it with my life.  

It was raining & I was deep in my thoughts,

There was so much going on inside my mind, my nerves could just burst and there’d be a splat on the walls all around me. Blood & the inner material would be good enough to make somebody puke his guts out.

So yes, while there was an array of mixed emotions & feelings inside me,

And I didn’t like any of the confusion which was making me go all haywire.

I just wanted to quit all what I was doing & just when I was about to turn & come inside,

I saw this tiny-little-early-spring bird,

It was raining heavily by now & that poor tiny creature was trying to find a place for herself,

She couldn’t stand, she couldn’t sit,

She tried so hard but failed every time, that too miserably,

Once she was about to hit the ground but god saved her soul,

I was wondering how can she keep trying despite of the fact that each time she tried, she failed? Fate wasn't on her side I believed.

But nothing seemed to affect her; she had set her goal,

She kept trying, fluttering those wings which had soaked in a lot of water,

She shrugged it all off.

It looked so symbolic,

And she did make her place, a good, nice warm space.

And she left me with so many thoughts,

Like so many of them… 

Untitled

Intezaar,  har pal har lamha,

Bepanhaa hum ghadi dar ghadi,

Yaadein beshumaar, baar baar,

La deti hai aansu fir wahi,

Karwan, le jaata hai,

Chalte jate hai hum bhi,

Kadam se kadam milaye,

Uss oor khiche chale jate hai,

Jaha khadi ho tum,

Narze jhukaye, palkon mein aansu liye,

Haathon ki lakeeron ko kos rahe thi,

Puch rahe thi uss khuda se,

Sawal kuch ansune, ankahe,

Shayad jawab nahi de paya woh bhi,

Baarish shayad issliye hue thi, dil jo roya uska bhi. 

intezaar lekin abhi thama nahi.

Jin haathon mein haath dale,

Chala karte thae kum kabhi,

Unn haathon ne haath chodh diya,

Tanha, beech raaste humse yuh muh mod liya.

Dard diya aisa, dil tod diya,

Na rone ka wada liye,

Hume akela chod diya,

Chodh diya in baazaron mein, inn be-mehfil bhare maidano mein.

Tanha hum bhi chal diye,

Inn raaston pe kahe,

Manzil dhundte hue,

Umar yuhi guzar gaye, intezaar lekin abhi thama nahi. 

intezaar lekin abhi thama nahi.

Jin haathon mein haath dale,

Chala karte thae kum kabhi,

Unn haathon ne haath chodh diya,

Tanha, beech raaste humse yuh muh mod liya.

Dard diya aisa, dil tod diya,

Na rone ka wada liye,

Hume akela chod diya,

Chodh diya in baazaron mein, inn be-mehfil bhare maidano mein.

Tanha hum bhi chal diye,

Inn raaston pe kahe,

Manzil dhundte hue,

Umar yuhi guzar gaye, intezaar lekin abhi thama nahi. 

Socha na tha kabhi

Aaj dil dukha hai, tum yaad aaye ho 
unn paalon ke ehsaas ke saath aaj fir tum mujhe waha le aaye ho,
jaha chodke haath mera, tanha choda tha  
jaha se na mudke tumhe dekha tha, 
jaha lachar, besahara mein padi thi 
sambhal ke apne aap ko,
jhinjhod rahe thi, 
kos rahe this har uss pal ko, 
jab saath tumhare khadi thi, 
jab chod ke saari duniya tumhare saath chali thi, 
jab jhum rahe thi duniya utsavo ke rang-a-rang mein, 
mein sarabor thi tumhare pyaar ke nashe mein, 
nakaar ke har khushi ko, jab mene thokar maari thi, 
pata na tha ki dhokha milega apne pyaar se,
pata na tha ki chod jaoge tum mujhe, 
kabhi socha na tha ki aisa kuch hoga, 
socha na tha kabhi...